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MUSIC MIDI"Oh My Papa" |
"Remembering Daddy.." |
My earliest idea of what a Daddy should be like, was while walking home from school one day when I was about six or seven years old.I walked past this home and you could see right into the window of the living room. A little girl was sitting on her daddys lap and he was reading to her. Wow! What a wonderful sight! That was not something I had ever seen in our home. I remember feeling a loss in my life even then. I have since, as an adult been able to put bits and pieces of the puzzle together. I realize my parents could not do what they had never been taught. I have chosen to remember my up-bringing so I would do things differently. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved my parents with all my heart but have just chosen to take a different path of life. Because of the way I was raised I have become a strong,responsible and stable adult with lots of love to share. When I remember Daddy, I see this fun-lovin' man that really never grew up.He had a terrific sense of humor. He was the youngest of six children and his mothers baby boy. If he needed something she was there for him and bless her heart that she was or we would have gone hungry a lot more than we did. There were many times in our life when Grandma would give us jars of her homemade canned goods so we wouldn't go hungry or give Daddy money to buy food. She did most of this on the sly so Grandpa wouldn't know. I don't remember Daddy ever holding a job for any length of time. I found out later there were some reasons for which he had no control over. When he was much younger he drove a semi as I remember seeing pictures of him standing by it. One time he managed a filling station/auto wrecking yards and he loved it.He seemed really happy with that job. That was the year I was in the seventh grade and we hadn't moved for a whole school year. That felt so wonderful to be in school for one whole year. That year was the most stable of my life until I left home at the age of fifteen, but thats another story. Anyway, then one day, out of the blue, I remember a man coming to the door and talking to Daddy. Then he and Mama had a private conversation and all of a sudden dad got a two wheel trailer hooked to the car and we were told to throw all our clothes in the trailer,(no boxes even), and away we went on the road again. All of the rest of our belongings were just left in the home. I can't remember where we ended up that time, usually Oklahoma or Texas. Several times I remember being stranded and Daddy would call grandma and she would send money to help feed us. Grandma was a good person but I think if she had said NO to Daddy, he would have been a stronger person and would have been forced to grow up and take on some responsibility. One time I remember being stranded in the desert in Arizona and the car quit on us. We had been there awhile when a man came by, ( a true angel- from God). He and daddy talked privately for awhile, then Daddy got back into the car and I saw the man hand Daddy a piece of paper and say, "I wish you luck and if you ever get to where you can pay me back, here is my address." Daddy waited until the man drove off and he tore up the piece of paper. It really made me feel bad. In a little while a man with a wrecker came and put a new fuel pump on our car. We were told to follow him then and we went to the filling station/cafe combination. We were told the man who had come by had paid for the fuel pump, paid for burgers, frys and a drink for all ten of us and he had given Daddy twenty dollars besides. What a wonderful thing to do for complete strangers. I choose to believe God sent him by that day. I don't ever remember my father touching me physically, not one loving touch of a fathers hand. I found out as an adult why, and it isn't worth remembering. One time, after I was married and had a family of my own, one of Daddy's sisters passed away and after the funeral, a brother and I accompanied Daddy over to see grandpa and grandmas graves and Daddy stood there crying. I had never seen him cry before and my heart ached for him. I reached out to take his hand and as I did he jerked his hand away like he had gotten an electric shock. I felt devastated at the time as I didn't understand why... Now I do and can put it all behind. There were so many secrets in our family. So very dysfunctional, yet Mama and Daddy chose to stay together until the last child was of age. Daddy was forced into being the primary disciplinarian and I am sure he did not like this role. I remember being spanked with the belt once and there were several more lined up to get it. Mama did not like being the bad parent, she'd say "just wait till your dad gets home, then you'll get it. It wasn't very often though. When I was thirteen, I remember Daddy leaving one day and coming back with another young man whom we were told was a half brother...How could this happen? Where did he come from? Questions ran rampant in my mind. We never knew our father had even been married before. Of course we never knew much of anything. Our parents never discussed anything in front of us. Everything was a big secret. Later we found out there was another half-brother. Suprise! Suprise! Suprise! The last year that Daddy and Mama were together I remember Daddy stopping at my home a few times to talk and he'd bring a bag of candy for his three little granddaughters and hold them on his lap and talk to them. This was a side of my father I had never seen, and I liked it. I remember thinking how nice this was for my children and how happy I was for them. On all the visits we had with Mama and Daddy together, never once had he ever even made a gesture to talk to my children much less hold them. More pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Daddy died of a massive heart attack at the young age of fifty-eight. He had a phobia about doctors and hospitals and would refuse to go. A younger brother called me one morning at about 4:10 a.m. and told me to get to the hospital right away. He said Daddy was having a heart attack. We were at the hospital in less than a half hour and were told Daddy was already gone. It took me three years to get over his death. I had lost the father that emotionally I never really had. My father not only never touched me physically in any loving way a father touches thier child but I think the biggest loss I felt was never-ever hearing my father say, "I love you". This is supposed to be a normal thing in a loving home. We knew our parents loved us in their own way but may God forgive me, I think people ought to have to take many hours of parenting lessons before they are allowed to have children. I miss you Daddy and I love you with all my heart. I wish we could have had the opportunity to have a real father-daughter relationship, but I know that could never be. I do want to thank you and Mama for giving all you knew how to give and I want you to know that because of those circumstances I have become a very strong, stable and responsible person. Thank You Jesus for helping me to look beyond circumstances and have the ability to forgive. Thank you for helping me to become the person that I am today.... Amen! |
What Makes A Dad God took the strength of a moutain, The Magesty of a tree, The warmth of a summer sun, The calm of a quiet sea, The generous soul of nature, The comforting arm of night, The wisdom of the ages, The power of the eagles flight, The joy of a morning in spring, The faith of a mustard seed, The patience of eternity, The depth of a family need, Then God combine these qualities When there was nothing more to add, He knew his masterpiece was complete, And so, He called it ....Dad. Author Unknown To Me--- |
MUSIC MIDI"Oh My Papa" |
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